


Dr. Chelsea Elliott's Guide to Sticking that Green Thumb Right Up Your Ass

by church1alpha



Category: SCP Foundation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-01
Updated: 2016-04-01
Packaged: 2018-05-30 15:18:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,463
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6429703
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/church1alpha/pseuds/church1alpha
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dr. Elliott is forced to go on vacation, leaving her lab under her assistant's control. Written for the 2016 Crack Fiction contest.<br/>And yeah, probably not technically a crack fic, but meh.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dr. Chelsea Elliott's Guide to Sticking that Green Thumb Right Up Your Ass

“Dr. Elliott?”  
“Wstmfgl...”  
“Dr. Elliott?”  
“Hm? Wha’?”  
“Doctor Elliott!”  
“”M awake. ‘M awake. What time is it?”  
“It’s three in the morning. How long have you been here?”  
“I don’t know. What day is it?”  
“The third.”  
“What month?”  
“...How long has it been since you had a vacation?”  
“What year is it?”  
“Far too long, then. I’m putting you on administrative leave. Go somewhere fun, relax, have a nice rest. I’m sure your assistant can take over here for a few weeks.”  
“Fine.”  
“I will of course need your security badge, and I am telling all sites you are not allowed to access their greenhouses.”  
“Damn.”

 

[Excerpt from Dr. Elliott’s Journal]  
Well, day one of vacation hasn’t been that bad so far, I guess. I still resent being forced to go on vacation when I have so much work left, but I can probably catch up on something as long as they haven’t locked me out of the system.

Later  
Well, they locked me out of the system. In hindsight, “Photosynthetic” probably wasn’t the best password choice. Oh, well. There are always remote sites that don’t know me by sight.  
I see they circulated a picture in the email. How... considerate of them. But I’ve still got a few tricks up my sleeve.

Day 3  
You know you’re desperate when you want to go to the Antarctic Research Base. You know you’re in trouble when they won’t let you in. Now what? I suppose I’ll have to enjoy my vacation as best as I can. I wonder what my assistant is doing right now?

 

[Excerpt from the notes of Research Assistant Johnson]  
Dr. Elliott has been on vacation for a few days, and the lab seems pretty empty without her here. I have a list of some experiments she was planning on running, so I’ll try those. If I do well enough, maybe they’ll upgrade my security clearance. I’ll try one of the simpler ones first.  
It looks like I just have to put some anomalous plant under different types of light to test its reaction. I’ll just jot some notes down here, and format everything later.

Test 1-Ultraviolet light  
So, apparently UV rays prompted the initial anomalous effect that led to the plant being brought to foundation attention in the first place. No idea what the effect was, though; I don’t have high enough security clearance to read the acquisition log. Gonna have to resort to testing it to see what happens.  
I can’t think of any problems with this plan at all.

Later  
Okay, so I put the plant under the lights, and it started singing. Seriously? Singing plants? Plants that sing? And not just singing randomly. For some reason it was singing Elvis Presley’s “You ain’t nothing but a hound dog.” I don’t... I can’t... I... What? How? Why?  
You know what, whatever. I’m just going to run the next test.

Test 2-Prolonged application of a 1200 lumen light  
I don’t see what this could possibly do, but it’s on the list, so I’m running it. I wonder what Dr. Elliott meant by “wear protective clothing?” It’s just a plant. Though I suppose I’ll put some goggles on, just in case.

Later  
It’s been three hours and nothing’s happened yet. I’m going to get a snack from the vending machine.  
Bloody useless plant.

Okay, I came back and the lamp was switched off. Weird. I’ll tell site maintenance the lamp is malfunctioning. In the meantime, I have a backup lamp and a test to run.

Nine hours into the test. The plant is muttering something. I can’t make out the words very well, but it’s something about trying to sleep. Huh.

Fourteen hours into the test, the plant announced, “Screw this and screw you, neighbor,” in a loud voice, and proceeded to shoot a lot of thorns out of its leaves. Several hit me, and the next thing I remember is waking up in the infirmary. Analysis shows the thorns are hollow and filled with a solution of pentobarbital that was responsible for rendering me unconscious. Apparently security found me curled up next to the plant. I went back to check, and the light had been turned off. I’m calling off testing for today.  
I think I heard the plant snoring.

 

[Excerpt from Dr. Elliott’s Journal]  
Day 7  
Finally gave up on getting into any sites and went to Hawaii. I had wanted to go for a while, but there was just never time. We also keep finding anomalous plants on one of the islands, and I want to take a closer look. Maybe there’s something in the soil... Oh, there’s so much to do. Also, warm weather and sunshine. This is going to be great.

Day 12  
While hiking up one of the volcanos, I stumbled upon a cave and entered a strange world. There were so many colors, and sounds. And then there were unicorns, and the mushroom people made me their queen. It was the best day ever. I feel really happy and relaxed.

[Reviewer’s Note: It seems likely that at this point Dr. Elliott was exposed to some perception altering substance. The caves near the volcano held a variety of mushroom whose spores contain a dilute version of [REDACTED], which may prove useful to agents in the field. Samples were recovered, and the remaining population were incinerated under the guise of a forest fire.]

Day 14  
The earlier entry, about the walking plants? Turns out it was true. Well, not all or even most of it. But there is a variety of shrub I’ve discovered that is mobile. It appears to have a primitive tribal society. Clearly, further study is needed.

Day 15  
I made first contact with the shrub-people. They seem harmless and friendly enough, but they worry about several of their members going missing. I’ve checked the days they said their tribe-mates went missing, and they correlate to Foundation presence in this area. It seems likely that they were recognized as anomalous, and were brought back to my site for study. I am attempting to remain on friendly terms with this remarkable species. It seems I don’t need my lab after all.

Day 17  
I miss my lab. I have no tools, no equipment, no experimental procedures, no sterile environment, and I’m pretty sure the trees are trying to talk to me. This island seems to only have a few types of animals, and after several studies of the island, I have yet to find any evidence of mammalian or reptilian life ever living here. Instead there is an ecosystem consisting of some insects and birds, but dominated by the various plant-based life forms. Their method of locomotion is astonishing! I could stay here for years and not learn enough. Though I do wonder what my assistant is doing now. I hope he hasn’t tried to run any of the experiments in my notebook. That could be disastrous.

 

[Excerpt from the notes of Research Assistant Johnson]  
I am continuing to run tests on the plants. It’s not going well. For experiments Dr. Elliott clearly meant for me to find, they seem to be a bit... dangerous. The early ones were safer, but I’ve done all those. Time to try some of the others. There’s a plant here that doesn’t seem to be too much trouble. It’s got some vines, and a big bulb near the top. It seems mostly harmless. It’s main anomalous characteristic is that it seems to move away when pressure is applied, at a faster rate than warranted. So far, it hasn’t been tested with any living things. I’m sure it’s okay. It’s just intimidating because it’s really big.  
I wonder why it’s in biohazard containment?

Test 1-Introduction of guinea pig into enclosure  
So far, the plant hasn’t done anything. The guinea pig is wandering around, looking at and sniffing the leaves. The plant has recoiled from it several times, but the guinea pig doesn’t seem to care. I’m going to leave it in overnight, and see what happens.

Later  
Woke up this morning. The guinea pig is dead. Analysis of the corpse shows that it ate some of the vine. Apparently the vines secrete some kind of incredibly potent toxin. When I checked the vine, it had only lost a little of its coating. I wonder how the toxin affects larger animals?

Test 2-Introduction of goat into enclosure  
To save time, I made sure the goat was hungry before putting it in with the plant. It’s not doing anything right now, but I’m sure it’ll start eating some soon. And then I can check to see the lethal dose. Meanwhile, I’m attempting to analyze the remains of the guinea pig in hopes I can identify the toxic agent.  
I still don’t see why this thing warrants biohazard containment.

Later  
The goat tried to eat some vines. It’s dead. It got farther than the guinea pig did, but it still couldn’t breach the outer coat. I want to see what those vines are like inside; maybe if I can get a direct sample, I can identify the source of the toxin, and if I can see the inside of the vine, I may be able to work out how it moves. Level 3 clearance awaits!

Test 3-Introduction of D-class into enclosure  
I got a D-class to use for the testing. Not sure what this one’s done, but probably something bad. It’s probably a problem that I don’t feel at all guilty about risking his life, but as long as he doesn’t try to eat the plant, everything should be fine.

Later  
The idiot ate some of the vine! After all the bloody paperwork I had to fill out just to get one of the bastards, the idiot goes and makes me fill it out again. Seriously? How hard is it to refrain from eating some of a strange plant when you’re specifically instructed not to do it? I don’t eat strange plants, so you don’t eat strange plants. What a moron. Good riddance.  
Though the extra paperwork’s a drag.

Test 4-Introduction of (smarter) D-class into enclosure  
Got a better D-class. Sent him into the enclosure with some pruning shears, and told him not to eat the plant. He seemed confused about why he’d want to, so this should probably be okay.

Later  
Okay, what the hell. He went and ate some of the plant and died. I’m trying something new. I’m analyzing the air inside of the biohazard container.

Oh. Well, this explains a lot. It turns out that the air inside the container is laced with lenomorelin, a hormone that induces a feeling of hunger. Somehow the hormone was making it into the circulatory system of the animals and the D-class, and making them ravenously hungry. In the wild, this would kill anything it affected, and then the animal would decompose and provide the plant with nutrients. Clever. I’m going to try sending a D-class into the container with tanked air, to prevent him from being affected.  
Sigh. More paperwork.

Test 5-Introduction of D-class using air tanks into enclosure  
The D-class is going into the enclosure. He’s taking the pruning shears, and is cutting into the vine-JESUS! IT’S PICKED HIM UP! IT’S STUFFING HIM INTO THE VENUS FLYTRAP MOUTH OH MY GOD!

Okay. Okay. I’m calmer now. That was a bit of a surprise. That’s a Euclid, at least. If it gets out, Keeter. I’m tempted to incinerate it, but Dr. Elliott would probably be upset. Testing adjourned.

 

[Excerpt from Dr. Elliott’s Journal]  
Day 23  
My vacation’s almost over. Thank god for that. I’m sick and tired of these islands.  
The plant tribe saw a helicopter for the first time the other day. They thought it was their god, and it was angry. Then they decided that it was responsible for taking their friends and family away, and that it would be appeased by a sacrifice.  
Guess who they picked?  
So I’m being carried up to the top of the mountain by a shrubbery, about to be thrown into the volcano, when who should turn up but Dr. Gears. He had been sent by the O5 council to see if I was okay, because apparently “There have been far fewer break-in attempts than were anticipated.” So basically, they worried about me disobeying them, then worried I was dead when I did what they told me to do. Because the trust I get in this job is really a lot.  
But I suppose I have to be grateful. When Gears came, he brought a helicopter and some machetes. I should probably feel guiltier about what I did than I do, but at that point it was them or me.  
I went to their village, and I broke into all of their houses. And then I used the machetes. I’ll only say one word: topiary. Ever been chased by trimmed hedges before? I have to say, having the ones I pruned to look like 173 chasing after me was pretty funny. But my vacation is finally over. I can go back to work. I just hope nothing’s wrong with the lab when I get back.

 

[Excerpt from the notes of Research Assistant Johnson]  
Okay, only one more test. I don’t know why, but there's a dandelion in a testing chamber. Well, several of them. The fluffy kind. The test for these just says “Make a wish.” So I’m going to blow the seeds off it, and then I’ll have done the tests. And I’ll get a promotion.  
I hear Dr. Elliott’s coming back soon. I’d better start.  
[End of notes]

Incident Report, 17/3/16  
11:32:15-Research Assistant Johnson entered the containment area of Anomalous Plant Specimen 2572, and removed one stalk from containment  
11:34:35-Research Assistant Johnson is heard muttering “I can’t believe this shit,” before blowing seeds off Anomalous Plant Specimen 2572 sample  
11:34:42-A massive explosion destroys most of Lab 37, severely wounding Research Assistant Johnson and rendering him unconscious  
12:13:04-Dr. Elliott enters Lab 37 carrying a suitcase.  
12:13:08-Dr. Elliott begins attacking the still-unconscious body of Research Assistant Johnson  
12:17:58-Dr. Elliott calls site security to escort Research Assistant Johnson to the infirmary.

Research Assistant Johnson was noted to have several broken ribs, a black eye, a fractured collarbone, and several bruises, including what appears to be a wheel print on his forehead. Dr. Elliott denies knowledge of how Research Assistant Johnson got his injuries.

It seems that Research Assistant Johnson managed to get hold of Dr. Elliott’s list of unapproved experiments. These had not been previously approved because they were deemed too dangerous or too high of a security risk. A disciplinary action against Research Assistant Johnson is pending.


End file.
